I arrived at the hospital early Wednesday morning on the labor floor. They tried to block the happy healthy babies and moms but I couldn’t help but hear a happy healthy baby be born in the room behind me. When Ella Lee was born at only 4 months there was no crying or moving. She was already gone, we were told to be prepared for this and tried to be but there’s no way to be prepared for one of the most awful events in life, death. Seeing her and holding her was something I can’t explain. The pain I felt when I asked them to take her away is something no mother should ever have to do.
I laughed and cried when I asked if I could donate breast milk or do something to help another mother. There wasn’t much I could do because my milk probably wouldn’t come in. I just felt the need to do something for someone else since I wasn’t going to feel better no matter what I did. She was so incredibly tiny and my instinct was to move the blanket she was wrapped in away from her face even though she was gone. I have a memory box that has pictures of her but there is nothing to make the pain go away. The only thing I can do now is live on and be a great person that would make her proud.