Unfathomable

I tried to think of a way to describe how I feel about the fact that I might be having a miscarriage or stillborn baby. Then I realized there is no way to describe that feeling to anyone. The closest I can come is having your heart ripped out in a million pieces and thrown on the floor. Now your left to put the pieces back together in the middle of your everyday life without bursting into tears at the worst possible moment. I don’t know for sure yet if my baby has this condition but the process is complete torture.

We walked into the OB’s office hoping to find out the sex of our baby and left in tears with a possible miscarriage on the way. The baby has a high chance of having trisomy 18, a usually fatal condition that is in text books terms “incompatible with life”. Friends and family say to try not to think about it, but how would it not be my first though in the morning when it’s a matter or life and death for my baby. Thinking about the decision we may have to make is unfathomable. My heart sinks in ways I would have never imagined going through this process. I am grateful for technology and to be aware of what might be going on inside my body. With that said I would never wish upon anyone to have to make this life changing and heart wrenching decision.

I hope that I can forgive myself in time no matter the outcome. Everyone will have their own opinion and I can only do what will be best for me and my unborn child. That doesn’t change the fact that I will feel guilty when and if a decision has to be made. The hours go by and it’s a whirlwind of emotions that will not be relieved even when a doctor in a lab coat looks me in the eye with a result. This part of my life will be ingrained in my heart and life forever.