unwelcome emotion

As I sit here with the sun beaming I can’t help but feel scared and sad. In two days I will be induced to give birth to my baby girl who is not healthy. She has trisomy 18 and I will have to say goodbye after giving birth to her. I’m not sure which I am more afraid of at this point. The physical or emotional pain that will comes with this process. As we all know physical pain can be scary but it eventually ends. The emotional pain will be ongoing. I don’t think I could ever be pregnant again.

As a type 1 diabetic, it has been extremely hard to keep my body healthy while being pregnant. Thinking the whole time that if I worked hard enough, it would enough to keep her healthy. Sometimes even when you work your ass off it’s just not enough. I am still staying strong even though sometimes I don’t want to be. I am looking forward to and dreading seeing my baby girl and getting to hold her. I have felt every emotion possible but I think it’s important to let myself feel all of those emotions and not ignore it.

Situations like this lead people in one direction or another. I want my direction to be to help other people be strong. I want people to know that it is okay to cry and scream and be heard. Some people are going to disagree with my decision but I’m okay with that. I know in my heart this is the best of the worst situation.

This post is dedicated to Ella Lee , my unborn child.