Today I picked up Ella’s ashes as she was cremated. The whole process of going to a funeral home and all that entails is a nightmare as anyone can imagine. I have to try to get my blood sugars to stay in range in these situations but it is nearly impossible. My blood sugar level rises with food and comes back down with insulin. My blood sugar also rises when I am sad or my hormones are out of whack. It is very complicated and for another post, but hopefully you get the idea.
So as I pull up to the funeral home I realize that I’m having a low blood sugar. I take a deep breath and have some sips of juice. I didn’t get the chance to finish my juice before some man came over to me showing me to the door. I’m not off to a good start seeing as I wasn’t quite ready to walk in the door and pick up my deceased daughters ashes, to be frank. I take a deep breath and feel okay for a moment. At this time I was distracted because oddly enough the youngest guy in the funeral home decided that would be a good time to flirt with me. As an unhappy customer, which I guess they must be used to, I leave the premises with her remains. What am I supposed to do now? Should I get an urn and save her ashes? Should I find a place I believe is peaceful and respectful to spread her ashes? I’m not sure how to process these emotions and want the process to be over with. Now I have her ashes that I honestly have no idea what the hell to do with. I know that even when I decide what I want to do with her ashes the grieving process doesn’t ever end.
I have to accept that she is gone and move on with her in my heart. I have been coping with her death as best I can. I see a counselor regularly and am working through everything that I have been through. I don’t have a happy memory of when she was born so maybe that’s what make this part so hard but it’s just the logistics. It’s not that I don’t want to think about it anymore or deal with it. I just don’t know how to deal with having her remains in my home. Planting a tree with her ashes is an option. Turning her remains into new life would make me feel happy knowing that she lived on. It was hard to sleep the first night I had her ashes knowing that she is here. She is already in my heart so I don’t know why the technicality of it is so hard. Death is part of life and I have to remember that it may not to be pretty to think about what someone looks like when they pass or the process of cremation.
If I can deal with giving birth to her and seeing her without a heartbeat then I can deal with having a box with her ashes. I don’t know what comes after life but I can educate myself on how different cultures view and deal with cremation. That little box sitting in the other room is a symbol for all of the women and men who have had to grieve their child. She is a symbol for not just me but other people who need support when we have to push through the pain and find the happy moments in life.