Confidence

I choose to be confident even though I’m different. Everyone is unique anyway, and I happen to have type 1 diabetes. It makes life harder in a lot of ways most people don’t ever have to think about. I can dwell on it or I can embrace it. I choose to bring awareness to it instead of being afraid of it.

I wear a cgm, a continuous glucose monitor. This device tells my phone through bluetooth if my blood sugar is too high or too low. I have to pay for my supplies and change the sensor frequently. This will be my first summer with the device. At first I kept thinking about where I was going to wear it so that it would stay hidden. Then I decided I’m not going to hide the device. I will place it where it’s comfortable which is usually on my arm. What a better way to bring awareness to type 1. I can spark a conversation about the rising prices of insulin when someone looks at me and is curious.

I have not always been an outgoing and confident person but I’m choosing to be now. I hope I inspire you to be as well, embrace yourself. It’s ok to be different

Who You Have, Not What You Have 

I have been through every emotion in the past couple of months. Some of the worst times of my life ensued themselves upon me. As much as it hurt like hell it has taught me to be strong. One thing I know is you can’t do it alone. We aren’t made to handle life alone and no one should have to. 

I am fortune enough to have friends and family that have helped me through the bad times and laugh and smile with me through the good times. I could not be more grateful for this. If you don’t already have close friends in your circle, reach out and find them. When I had my worst days a friend reaching out asking how I was feeling means more that she could ever know. I try to be half as good of a friend as she has been to me. I look forward to new beginnings in my life and I can’t wait to share my happy moments with her. 

My family doesn’t realize how amazing they are either. I look forward to Saturday nights playing cards. It’s something I will always cherish and I take it all in. We lost a family member last year, we reminisce and keep her memory alive. I love this because sometimes we get busy and don’t play for a while but we always come back to it when we can. We get together, talk, laugh and there is nothing more precious than those moments. 

Belt It Out 

I am not very musically inclined but I view it as a form of therapy. My intention is to show others it can do the same for them. Personally, if I am in a good mood or bad, it just activates a part of my brain that makes me happy. I’m not sure of the specifics. All I know is that when life gets crazy you need the little things to get by. 

Belting it out in my car might be a simple little thing but I have come to thoroughly enjoy this part of my day. It is part of my alone time, my time to reflect on the day, my time to have a little fun in the middle of the responsibility of being an adult. The moral of the story is, find your alone time, find your passion, find the little things in life that make you want to sing your heart out . Who cares who’s watching, everyone will judge you. The only persons judgment that matters is your own. 

I am confident in my awful singing abilities to help me get through the good and bad days. So role down the windows and turn up the music, in the car and in life. 

The world I wanted you to know 

I wanted you to know how it feels to dance outside while the sun hits your skin and you can feel the music and hear the laughter of other people around you 

I wanted you to know what it feels like to run as fast as you can to catch up with your friends 

I wanted you to know what it’s like to drive your first car, with your hand on the wheel and the windows down with music blasting 

I wanted you to know what it’s like to fall in love and feel butterflies when you look into someone’s eyes 

I wanted you to play cards with family and meet your grandparents. To feel the warmth in the room when you are surrounded by people who love you 

I wanted you to know the exhilarating felling of getting an A on a paper when you worked so hard to achieve it 

I wanted you to know what it’s like to sit in the misty grass with a good book while you drift off into someone else’s perception of the world 

I wanted you to know how it feels to drink your first refreshing lemonade in the beginning of summer without a care in the world 

Most importantly I wanted you to know how much you are loved. That I never wanted you to feel an ounce of pain. In life there is enough pain to go around but there is also love everywhere. I wouldn’t want life to be any harder than it already is. Although I know we would have found a way, because its in our blood. Strength and passion is how I live and what I would have taught you. I am grateful to have had you for four months. I wanted you to know what it’s like to live a life full of happiness 

Self Love 

It’s time to write a positive post. It has been five months since a breakup, three weeks since a loss of a baby and way too long since I’ve been happy. I could sit here and feel sorry for myself but I have this overwhelming feeling of being grateful. I have a support system who was there for my through the absolute worst time in my life.

I made it through the pain and in light of spring I am so ready to let the light shine. The greatest part is that I don’t need or want a man in order to do it. My latest goal is to save for a house and own it without a man. I’m thinking about going to go back to school. I am going to enjoy my life, every minute of It. If a man comes along then even better, but I have everything I need. I have the motivation to advance my degree that I should have gotten a long time ago. I have friends that make me laugh and smile. I have a car that I sing my heart out in.

My disease will try to get in the way, along with many other obstacles. There is nothing that will stop me because I am doing it for Ella, and for myself. I will continue to scream, laugh, love and not let anyone or anything get in my way. I hope all of my readers have the motivation and self love to do the same.

Life and Death

Today I picked up Ella’s ashes as she was cremated. The whole process of going to a funeral home and all that entails is a nightmare as anyone can imagine. I have to try to get my blood sugars to stay in range in these situations but it is nearly impossible. My blood sugar level rises with food and comes back down with insulin. My blood sugar also rises when I am sad or my hormones are out of whack. It is very complicated and for another post, but hopefully you get the idea.

So as I pull up to the funeral home I realize that I’m having a low blood sugar. I take a deep breath and have some sips of juice. I didn’t get the chance to finish my juice before some man came over to me showing me to the door. I’m not off to a good start seeing as I wasn’t quite ready to walk in the door and pick up my deceased daughters ashes, to be frank. I take a deep breath and feel okay for a moment. At this time I was distracted because oddly enough the youngest guy in the funeral home decided that would be a good time to flirt with me. As an unhappy customer, which I guess they must be used to, I leave the premises with her remains. What am I supposed to do now? Should I get an urn and save her ashes? Should I find a place I believe is peaceful and respectful to spread her ashes? I’m not sure how to process these emotions and want the process to be over with. Now I have her ashes that I honestly have no idea what the hell to do with. I know that even when I decide what I want to do with her ashes the grieving process doesn’t ever end.

I have to accept that she is gone and move on with her in my heart. I have been coping with her death as best I can. I see a counselor regularly and am working through everything that I have been through. I don’t have a happy memory of when she was born so maybe that’s what make this part so hard but it’s just the logistics. It’s not that I don’t want to think about it anymore or deal with it. I just don’t know how to deal with having her remains in my home. Planting a tree with her ashes is an option. Turning her remains into new life would make me feel happy knowing that she lived on. It was hard to sleep the first night I had her ashes knowing that she is here. She is already in my heart so I don’t know why the technicality of it is so hard. Death is part of life and I have to remember that it may not to be pretty to think about what someone looks like when they pass or the process of cremation.

If I can deal with giving birth to her and seeing her without a heartbeat then I can deal with having a box with her ashes. I don’t know what comes after life but I can educate myself on how different cultures view and deal with cremation. That little box sitting in the other room is a symbol for all of the women and men who have had to grieve their child. She is a symbol for not just me but other people who need support when we have to push through the pain and find the happy moments in life.

My Type 1 Story

One night as I was relaxing in my monkey pajamas I was having a hard time reading an article on my phone. I was seeing double but hadn’t quite figured that out yet. I ignored one of my symptoms of type 1 diabetes that continued to progress. The whole year prior I had stomach issues in which no doctor could pinpoint. My body wasn’t getting enough glucose and it was affecting my body in so many ways. At this point I was scared, why couldn’t I see straight? I ended up in the er one night merely because I was aggravated and wanted an answer that my doctors weren’t giving me. The nurse came in at one point and said “Has anyone ever told you that you might be diabetic?” That was the beginning of a million questions, books and articles that consumed the next months of my life. I started off on a pill and eventually needed insulin.

It is impossible to explain to someone who doesn’t live with it. My hope is that people who have a working pancreas choose to cherish it.  All of us type 1’s never thought we would miss our pancreas but we do. Someone without type 1 can go out for a couple of drinks, eat a donut, exercise or live alone without a second thought. My whole world has changed but has also brought me to a community of wonderful people who help each other when times get tough. At the end of the day, I am grateful to be alive, to share my stories and smile with the world.

Ella Lee

I arrived at the hospital early Wednesday morning on the labor floor. They tried to block the happy healthy babies and moms but I couldn’t help but hear a happy healthy baby be born in the room behind me. When Ella Lee was born at only 4 months there was no crying or moving. She was already gone, we were told to be prepared for this and tried to be but there’s no way to be prepared for one of the most awful events in life, death. Seeing her and holding her was something I can’t explain. The pain I felt when I asked them to take her away is something no mother should ever have to do.

I laughed and cried when I asked if I could donate breast milk or do something to help another mother. There wasn’t much I could do because my milk probably wouldn’t come in. I just felt the need to do something for someone else since I wasn’t going to feel better no matter what I did. She was so incredibly tiny and my instinct was to move the blanket she was wrapped in away from her face even though she was gone. I have a memory box that has pictures of her but there is nothing to make the pain go away. The only thing I can do now is live on and be a great person that would make her proud.

unwelcome emotion

As I sit here with the sun beaming I can’t help but feel scared and sad. In two days I will be induced to give birth to my baby girl who is not healthy. She has trisomy 18 and I will have to say goodbye after giving birth to her. I’m not sure which I am more afraid of at this point. The physical or emotional pain that will comes with this process. As we all know physical pain can be scary but it eventually ends. The emotional pain will be ongoing. I don’t think I could ever be pregnant again.

As a type 1 diabetic, it has been extremely hard to keep my body healthy while being pregnant. Thinking the whole time that if I worked hard enough, it would enough to keep her healthy. Sometimes even when you work your ass off it’s just not enough. I am still staying strong even though sometimes I don’t want to be. I am looking forward to and dreading seeing my baby girl and getting to hold her. I have felt every emotion possible but I think it’s important to let myself feel all of those emotions and not ignore it.

Situations like this lead people in one direction or another. I want my direction to be to help other people be strong. I want people to know that it is okay to cry and scream and be heard. Some people are going to disagree with my decision but I’m okay with that. I know in my heart this is the best of the worst situation.

This post is dedicated to Ella Lee , my unborn child.

Unfathomable

I tried to think of a way to describe how I feel about the fact that I might be having a miscarriage or stillborn baby. Then I realized there is no way to describe that feeling to anyone. The closest I can come is having your heart ripped out in a million pieces and thrown on the floor. Now your left to put the pieces back together in the middle of your everyday life without bursting into tears at the worst possible moment. I don’t know for sure yet if my baby has this condition but the process is complete torture.

We walked into the OB’s office hoping to find out the sex of our baby and left in tears with a possible miscarriage on the way. The baby has a high chance of having trisomy 18, a usually fatal condition that is in text books terms “incompatible with life”. Friends and family say to try not to think about it, but how would it not be my first though in the morning when it’s a matter or life and death for my baby. Thinking about the decision we may have to make is unfathomable. My heart sinks in ways I would have never imagined going through this process. I am grateful for technology and to be aware of what might be going on inside my body. With that said I would never wish upon anyone to have to make this life changing and heart wrenching decision.

I hope that I can forgive myself in time no matter the outcome. Everyone will have their own opinion and I can only do what will be best for me and my unborn child. That doesn’t change the fact that I will feel guilty when and if a decision has to be made. The hours go by and it’s a whirlwind of emotions that will not be relieved even when a doctor in a lab coat looks me in the eye with a result. This part of my life will be ingrained in my heart and life forever.